I just finished reading the news (one should note that my news sources are Star Magazine, Yahoo News and Alice morning radio show) to learn that Oprah Winfrey admits to eating thirty pounds of macaroni and cheese when in a downward spiral over a bad showing at the movies. Thirty. Pounds. That's like eating my baby and half of my friends baby all at once; which I hope no one would do because it's disgusting on so many levels, even if you cover them with cheese sauce. I wonder if Ms. Winfrey's admission aims to serve as the impetus for change in our eating habits, or dietary plans for the year ahead. If nothing else, her admission can help us all feel a little bit better about our own lives. I mean you can tell yourself in the midst of whatever filthy habit you indulge in "At least I've never consumed thirty pounds of buttery, cheesy pasta, that's just fucked up, " and feel pretty damn good about yourself for at least ten minutes.
So mid-January and here we all are either deep into the throes of our resolutions or deep into the denial of ever having made resolutions. Whether you admit it or not, you're making some kind of resolution or promise to yourself as one year closes and another begins, so quit being sanctimonious and acting like you're too good for a resolution. Of course, the most popular resolution for many people each year is to lose some weight, get into shape - which is a funny saying if you think about it because maybe you're committed to looking more like a cube, when everyone else assumes you mean to get slimmer and more toned. My friend Teresa's mother used to resolve to go on a diet every Monday, and good for her for at least trying to get back on that horse every week. I suspect her resolve weakened somewhere between baked ziti and ice cream, but I can't confirm this for sure. My own mother was no stranger to attempting weight loss here and there, although I don't recall that the new year, per se, was ever a big moment in her dietary decision making.
Over the years my mother tried out a few different diets with varying levels of success. My least favorite diet of my mother's was the cabbage soup diet. I'm not sure that this is still around, but let me say for the record that its pretty frigging gross. First you get some tomato juice and then you cook some cabbage in it. Done. This not only defies soup definitions, but makes your kitchen unbearably smelly. The nice thing about this 'soup' is that you get to eat as much of it as you want throughout a day. You are to do this for seven days and lose ten pounds. If you, and the people you live with, can stand to actually complete the seven days, then you'll have survived long enough to move on to some other equally inhibiting and horrific self-induced penance. One of the diets that I actually enjoyed my mother partaking in included a recipe for homemade dessert calzones. The word calzone is used loosely here, but it included ricotta cheese and cinnamon stuffed into a pita pocket. A tasty little treat, especially in a house where dessert was rarely served outside of holidays and birthdays. The nice thing about my mother's dieting is that she did not subject anyone else in the house to whatever shenanigans she was up to. Which is pretty darn generous if you ask me and must've been particularly difficult and cruel for her. Imagine sucking down that cabbage/tomato concoction while your family enjoys meatloaf or spaghetti and sausage?
Once my father was discovered to have heart trouble, however, the kindness ended and everyone was in on the diet deal. We were all subjected to nightly assaults of the broiled persuasion. Broiled chicken, or broiled fish coupled with baked potatoes and salad with vinegar. Day after day. No salt, no butter, no flavor, repeat, and repeat. My brother and I took to buying our own jars of Cheez-Whiz to pour over whatever was being served. Here I am admitting that, like Oprah Winfrey, I too appreciate cheese poured over food when the going gets rough.
This weeks tip:
When I had my first child I was at a complete loss as what to do for excess gas and stomach upset that an infant who is hell bent on eating nonstop will experience. My mother and her sister both insisted that I serve my child fennel tea. I was instructed to purchase fennel seeds and pour hot water over them to make a tea. Once cooled, you put the tea in a bottle with the tiniest bit of Karo syrup (for sweetness) and give it to your baby to drink. IT WORKED!! So well, in fact, that I have given it to all three of my cherubs as infants and always keep fennel seeds on hand until they have made it through their first year and their digestive systems seem to mature enough to not require outside assistance. Fennel seeds can be bought at health food stores or supermarkets such as Whole Foods. You only need to purchase a small amount of them, because a little bit goes a long way. Adult people have been known to consume fennel seeds with extremely gassy foods such as cabbage soup.
