There's a schmaltzy little essay entitled 'All I Really need to know I Learned in Kindergarten' that's been around for a dogs day written by a man who calls himself Robert Fulghum. You have probably read it (most likely on a poster in a school building or pediatrician's office), or at least heard some variation of it at some point in your life. It's a feel good little piece of sentiment, speaking about how to treat others and the world around you. I like it fine and find it pure genius if I'm in an 'I love being a teacher' kind of mood. On the other three hundred and sixty days of the year, I am a realist and understand fully that everything I need to know, I learned at my mother's kitchen table. Below is a condensed list of the wisdom passed along to me by my mother:
Optics: My mother taught me that if you stare at a light long enough and someone accidentally hits you in the back of the head, you will forever see everything with a twinkly glow. I know this was meant as a warning, and a veiled threat (because she was the only one who might 'accidentally' hit me in the head while in the kitchen), but I took it as a challenge. Who doesn't want to see everything with a twinkly glow - isn't that why there are drug addicts?
My mother also taught me that the rolling of eyes, or giving of the finger, or making mocking faces can be seen through walls and even in the dark. Oh, and you can most definitely have eyes in the back of your head.
Global warming: My mother taught me that if she was cold, I better put a sweater on. While it defies all laws of logic, it's true. If your mother says its cold, you better get your ass in a sweater or a long pair of pants post haste, or she will only get colder.
World Economics: My mother taught me that there are children starving in both Africa and Asia. Not only are they extremely underfed, but they enjoy half eaten meat loaf and ketchup soaked veal cutlets. In their honor, I learned to eat what was put in front of me or risk getting accidentally smacked in the head.
Gravity: My mother taught me that if you put your finger in your belly button and twist it around, your ass will fall off. I have always liked having an ass and while I have been tempted on more than one occasion, I have not put this to the test.
Laws of motion: My mother taught me that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if you are riding a bicycle (which is surely an example of motion) and are returning home late, you will fall off the bicycle when your mother scares the crap out of you by sitting on the front stoop with a vicious look waiting for you -motion ends as you try to decide whether or not to keep pedaling toward angry mother or to give it all up for a life on the streets. Stop motion, fall down; simple cause and effect. It is here I learned too, that stupidity is a punishable offense.
Audiology: My mother taught me that hearing, at times, can be supersonic. These times include, but are not limited to: cursing under my breath, screaming at my brother (while she was at work in Manhattan and we were in Queens), sighing inaudibly, and when I heard her calling me while underwater.
Environmentalism: My mother taught me that cleaning up after your self is of utmost importance - she had her own ideas about carbon footprints. People who, for example, leave their shoes and jackets lying around, will find themselves shoeless and jacketless. Furthermore, waste was not acceptable. Doors should be closed, lights turned off and plates cleaned. It is important to note here that my mother was married to none of the following: Con Edison, Brooklyn Union Gas, or a man owning a frigging restaurant.
Dental Hygiene: My mother taught me that mouths are for eating, kissing and conversing (which may or may not include yelling). Mouths are not for uttering curse words to anyone. People misusing their mouth will learn to clean it the hard way by being force fed Ivory soap. Soap rubbed onto the bottom of your top front teeth will leave a lasting impression and implore one to consider proper mouth etiquette in the future.
My mother also taught me that if you steal a Hershey Bar on the way to your first dental appointment from the A&P, you will be forced to return the melty candy bar to said A&P under extreme duress and apologize to the cashier, manager and deli clerk.
Advocacy: While all the above lessons are of extreme import, there is one lesson that stands above the rest: Don't take shit from anyone as there is NO ONE better than you and NEVER let anyone, anywhere tell you what you can and cannot accomplish (because if you do, shame on you!).
This weeks tip: Happy Mother's Day - no matter what kind of mother you have - celebrate that crazy bitch (maybe that's just my kind)!! Oh, and if my post didn't provide enough laughs, read Tina Fey's prayer for her child (she gets paid to be funny after all):
http://melodygodfred.com/2011/04/15/a-mothers-prayer-for-its-child-by-tina-fey/
