Not everyone is lucky enough to have a sick fucking puppy in their life the likes of my cousin Binny. She is smart, funny as all get out and not entirely mentally stable. You may believe that you have someone in your life who is equal to or exceeds the Binnyness of my cousin. You would be mistaken. For those naysayers who remain unsure, I ask you this: does your Binny know how to drive backwards while wearing oven mitts? I didn't think so.
Binny quote of the week: TGIF bitch
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As any good Catholic would my cousin Binny has taught me the importance of penance. If you have done wrong, you should be punished & if no one is around to catch you in the act, the penance is up to you alone. Binny's suggestions for self-punishment are as follows:
Stuff available cold cuts into your underpants. Any cold cuts will do but Binny highly recommends bologna or olive loaf. Salami will do in a pinch. Once you have stuffed as many lunch meats into your skivvies as you can, you should find your nearest neighbor with a nasty, angry dog. Once found, Binny advises throwing yourself into said dogs yard and let the angry animal have at you. If a dog cannot be found in your area, throwing yourself down a flight of stairs is an appropriate substitute punishment. Cold cuts should be in your pants in this case as well.
Binny quote of the week: I hate when you use big words or make references I have to google. What does non sequitar mean? Remember you globbed onto our brain for years, got a masters and left me to fend for myself with bologna in my drawers and tacks in my feet. Bitch.
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When I was 22 I traveled all around the country, finding myself in the fantastic city of San Francisco. While there, I did the tourist thing and took the ferry out to Alcatraz. On the ride over, I asked my companions what was done with the prisoners while everyone visited during the day? This was in 1996. There's no need to talk at length about the abuse I suffered for this remark. After a few months, I returned to New York and was sharing my adventures with my family. I was about to tell the story about my trip to Alcatraz, when my dear Binny remarked "what do they do with all those prisoners while you're visiting?" Two halves of one whole, that Binny and I.
Binny quote of the week: Stop rubbing in the Master's you bitch or I will cease all TGIF texts starting monyana (spanish for tomorrow)
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My cousin Binny is, at the very least, the third funniest person I know and most definitely the funniest cousin I have. Having heard of my dislike of hearing Phil Collins on the radio in the twenty-first century, she started a Phil Collins fan club on facebook. She is the founder and sole member.
Binny quote of the week: Yes, thanks to you I can coNversate with all them there cousins who have those fancy college edumacations.
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Someone really smart once said that resolutions are made to be broken. Not Binny. To her way of thinking, resolutions are made to be ridiculous. Come up with the most ridiculous resolutions you can think of, and as many as possible. If you fail to achieve said resolutions, it doesn't really matter because they were absurd to begin with. Matter of fact, the more absurd the better. Examples are as follows:
RESOLUTION #1: Begin diet of various Hot Pockets. Breakfast Pockets, Veggie Pockets, Dessert Pockets, etc.
RESOLUTION #2: Begin sewing dress made of Herring with pepperoni panties and Jesus Sandals made of Bacon.
RESOLUTION #3 Find way of getting laid off from job (obviously coming in late, frequent days off and lack of interest/motivation have not worked) so that I may pursue other interests (see resolution 2&3) such as perusing garage sales, drinking and mastering backwards driving.
Binny quote of the week: Your defensive response speaks volumes. Enough said..pervert
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Binny likes a good cocktail. It is she who has taught me the life-changing virtues of vodka and how to bring just enough beer for yourself to a party at someone else's house. While I prefer my vodka cocktails with just soda water and lime, Binny prefers hers with lemon-lime soda such as Sprite. Unlike myself, Binny doesn't limit her cocktails to just weekend days, because as she says, why would she want to feel hungover and crappy on her own time. It's this kind of logic that could make Binny a cult leader if she wasn't really busy leading me down the path of righteousness.
Binny quote of the week: I'd like to be called meatcakes
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Binny has a desirable neighbor. He's the kind of guy that makes you want what he's got & thankfully Binny always has first dibs. This is a guy who sells overused, outdated household items. My first visit to Binny's abode found me ogling an extremely large entertainment cabinet composed of stained formica. I gave it serious consideration to strapping that mess on my back as carry on luggage. Another time is was a cordless phone minus base and approximating the size of a brick. This guy has it all and I will neither confirm nor deny whether or not we have given someone else a birthday gift purchased from the treasure trove of Binny's yard saler.
Binny quote of the week: I'm in the market for a hot dog phone myself and some barb wire
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Binny's the kind of girl who relishes the absurd. For years we have been discussing the virtues of being our own bosses. It started a million moons ago when we were in the habit of eating smarties - what else we were ingesting is not worth mentioning in a family-oriented blog like this one here. Anyway, we thought it would be a great idea to sell smarties as loosies. You know, for people who were unable to afford a whole roll of smarties before payday? A dime a smartie, with regular and tropical fruit flavored, we figured we'd be millionaires before the year was up. At the very least, we were going to be able to buy scooters and electric chairs for the stairs and we wouldn't have to use our legs for a while. Binny came up with the perfect sales pitch: Be Smart, Eat Smarties. Sadly, our business plans vis a vis smarties had to be put on hold temporarily, however, we have yet to give up our dreams of becoming pioneers in the business world. Newest project ideas include: ipod chips for crying babies, a coffee ammonia mixture called 'black magic' that will get us where we want to go before we even leave, peep dioramas, powerpoint presentations to cure the soul and how to yard sale for dummies series.
Binny quote of the week: You inspiration is inspriring. Canbt spell because I'm drunk.
